Every time I look at you I am waging a war in my head. I
gamble viciously with my own life. I toss loaded dice and a young, vaguely
attractive fellow in a red vest and black pants spins the wheel. I don’t know if I’m losing though. Because every
time the wheel slows I cover my face with my hands and hold my breath and when
I take my hands away you’re looking directly at me as though you’re asking me a
question.
So I answer “Yes.”
You smile and bump my shoulder with yours like we have just
shared a joke, so I laugh, because I know that you make me laugh. You gesture to
one direction and turn to walk that way. And I follow you. By the time I
remember the dice it’s already too late, when I look back the vested fellow has
handed them on.
We step out into the night air and I shiver. I’m not cold; I
just appreciate the freshness that night air inherently holds. We walk a little
way and sit down next to each other and the conversation begins. What we did
this week; who annoyed us most; why I have a scar; why you have a bruise; what
I cooked; what you fell over; how tired we both are. At some point I split in
two.
One of me is watching
us and one of me is talking to you.
The me that is watching us starts singing songs, she’s
making jokes at my expense. The me that
is talking to you ignores the other, she’s looking at your eyes and trying to
mine them for meaning. The singing me doesn't need meaning… I just need
purpose, a goal, and sufficient oxygen and time to achieve it. So I sing at us,
wondering if the me that is looking at you will ever stop gripping my hands
together so tightly in my lap. The me
that is staring at you is making up speeches in my head. So in my head I’m
telling you the truth and I’m making up a truth for you as well; every
alternate one makes me want to cry.
Both parts of me push against the other when I’m with you.
It gets confusing in this head. I get scared and sometimes I get over-confident
and sometimes I’m making exit strategies. It’s silly but the reason I don’t
know if I am losing is because, every time the wheel slows, every time I open
my eyes and every time you turn to go, I follow.
So when we sit down
both parts of me are there.
